PS Date me, or Else
by Mistress of Craziness
Summary: If there's one thing James wasn't good at, it was writing a decent love letter. But with a little help from Sirius, he just might be able to pull off one of the worst pieces of crap Lily ever had the misfortune to read. Slight LEJP. Oneshot.


**Disclaimer:** No no _sex_ no... what?

-:-

_P.S. Date me... or Else_

-:-

If there was one thing James Potter wasn't good at, it was writing a love letter.

If there was one thing Sirius Black equally wasn't good at, it was 'helping' someone write a love letter.

-:-

James sat in the far corner of the common room, slouched over a desk, writing at top speed. Every now and then he would stop, read whatever he had written, and either scratch furiously at his work, or roughly scrunch it into a ball and throw it into the nearest trash bin (which he had already filled to the brim with discarded parchment), all the while mumbling obscenities under his breath. Then he would start over with a fresh sheet, and the cycle would repeat itself.

Sirius lounged about in a nearby chair, staring at his friend with curious eyes. He was very busy with not doing his homework, and was finding James' peculiar actions quite distracting. Remus had told him not to bother him when Sirius had suggested they see what he was up to, but then again, Remus had left a few moments ago to fetch a book from his trunk; now was his chance.

"Hey, Prongs. What are you up to?" Sirius asked casually, sneaking a quick peek over James' now tense shoulder before he covered the writing with his arm. The only words Sirius had caught were 'dear', 'Lily' and 'beautiful'. A knowing smile curved his lips. "Writing a letter to Evans, I see."

"Sod off," James hissed, adjusting his body to shield the parchment even more. "It's none of your business."

"No need to be bashful," Sirius told him, grabbing a chair, and positioning himself next to the messy-haired boy. James turned and gave him a look that read 'go-away'; Sirius did not oblige. Instead he puckered his lip, and said in a mocking tone, "If you want to write your girlfriend a letter, then you go right ahead."

"I wasn't... I mean... I... She's not my girlfriend," James mumbled, frowning.

Sirius gave him another knowing smile. "You wish she was, though." When James said nothing, he continued. "So is a letter your new unique way to get her to go out with you? Because if it is, mate, I'm sorry, but I doubt it will work; if she didn't get impressed by the fact that you bought a muggle guitar, rode your broom up to her dorm window and sang Spanish love songs to her all night, then nothing will."

James cheeks began to turn bright red at the memory, his voice growing louder, more irritated. "What part of 'sod off' don't you understand?"

"I understand the 'sod' part alright, but it's the 'off' part I'm having a bit of trouble with."

There was a slight pause, then, "Do you want to read it? Is that why you're bugging me, Padfoot?"

Sirius shrugged. "Maybe, maybe not. I mean, if it's anything like the time you accidentally hit her in the face with your textbook, and you wrote her that apology note saying that her bloody nose was as red as her gorgeous hair, then-"

"What is this, 'let's-remember-all-the-times-James-Potter-messed-up-at-getting-Lily-Evans' day? Here." He shoved the parchment into his friend's chest, inwardly hoping it would get him to shut up and leave him alone without additional comments. Unfortunately, and as expected, the results were much different.

When Sirius began reading, he snorted a few times. This led to slight hic-ups of laughter, which led to snickering. By the time he was finished, he was full-blown laughing, and a very embarrassed James had to forcefully pry the letter away from him. Minutes passed, people watching the duo with a mixture of amused and disturbed expressions, until Sirius' fits of laughter began to sub-side, and he was merely smirking.

"Prongs... you're joking, right?" Sirius asked.

James glared at him, not at all impressed by his friend's reaction. But despite his aggravated exterior, he questionably asked, "What's wrong with it?"

Sirius clasped James on the back. "Well, first of all, I doubt _any _girl would be flattered if someone compared their eyes to a piece of lettuce they got stuck in their teeth last week."

James, not waiting to hear anymore, tossed the letter into the garbage with his many other failed attempts, ran his hands through his hair, and groaned. "This was a horrible idea - what do I know about making love letters? I'm not romantic!"

Sirius stared at him, feeling pity and slightly revolted at how pathetic he was acting. "Yeah, you're not..." James gave him a look that clearly told him he wasn't helping. Sirius fumbled for words. "I mean... just... don't worry...?" It came out as more of a question, which gave the hazel-eyed boy no comfort.

"I should just give up," James sighed.

"No, don't give up," Sirius replied lazily, having gone through this conversation many times in the past.

"I've been trying to get her to go out with me for three years - since third year...!"

Sirius' eyebrows shot to his hair-line. "It's really been that long? Wow, that's-" Another look from James. "-that's... something else."

"Maybe I should try to get with Amelia Burntwood - she's pretty, and her hairs brunette, so I won't have to worry about another ruddy blood simile."

Suddenly, Sirius jumped to his feet, the bang of his chair hitting the floor causing the other Gryffindors to stare at them again, and even getting a group of first years to fearfully scurry away. James gazed up at him, startled. "Padfoot, what the-"

"Now don't even think about moving onto other girls! Look, that Evans is stubborn, but it's obvious she likes you! I think... Well the point is, this letter thing might really work!"

"But you just said-"

"All you need is a little help... okay, a lot of help, and... I'll help you! Besides," his voice lowered to a whisper, "I was planning on asking Burntwood to the next Hogsmeade visit."

"Okay...," James said slowly. "Was the standing up really necessary?"

"Yes it was!"

"Why?"

"My foot fell asleep."

"Oh, well... you're right! Lily Evans, the most beautiful creature to ever grace the Earth with her presence, is the only one for me! How could I have ever even thought to settle for someone second-best to her? I'm a bleeding fool!"

"Yes you are, and that's the spirit! Now then..." Sirius reached down and picked up his chair, moving it so he would be on the other side of the desk James sat at. "How should we start this?" he wondered aloud, making himself comfortable, and grabbing one of the many blank pieces of parchment James had scattered all over, as well as a quill and some ink.

James gave him a wary look. "Listen, Padfoot, it's nice that you want to help me and all, but..." His voice trailed off, and Sirius arched an eyebrow at him. He sighed. "No offense, but do you even know how to write a love letter? I mean... you've never been in love."

"I have so!" Sirius cried, sounding offended.

"Really? When?" said James, doubtful.

"Remember that Ravenclaw girl I dated around Christmas? I think her name was Sally... Sarah..."

"Olivia," James corrected dully. "And you didn't love her."

"I did too!"

"You couldn't even remember her name!"

"Yeah, well... my memory is a bit foggy."

"Not to mention you dated her for a week."

"So? It doesn't matter the quantity, but the quality."

"I don't think-"

"Through the whole time dating her, I couldn't eat or sleep - I hear that's what happens when you're in love."

James rolled his eyes. "You couldn't eat because her tongue was blocking any food passage, and you couldn't sleep because you two were too busy sneaking around doing who knows what. That's not love, Padfoot, that's just gross."

"Details, details," Sirius said nonchalantly, waving his hand in the air. "Does it really matter? Besides, I can come up with more romantic things than: 'Your teeth are as white as a loo I had to scrub clean for detention.'"

"Oh, really?"

"Yes, _really_. You should have compared them to snowflakes - they're all delicate and what not; women dig that sort of stuff."

James blinked - he hadn't thought of that. Then he snorted. "Her teeth are 'delicate'?"

"Once again, details," said Sirius, shaking his head. "The point is, you obviously need my help, right?"

James bit his bottom lip nervously - snowflakes did sound more pretty than a toilet. He nodded his head after a few seconds of pondering the pros and cons - the pros surprisingly out-numbered the cons... then again, not by much. Sirius grinned from ear-to-ear. "Excellent!"

"But I want to write it," James explained, hastily snatching his quill and the bottle of ink.

Sirius shrugged. "Suit yourself. But be sure to write everything I say down, no matter what - Evans is an interesting breed, and she needs to be approached a tad differently than most girls. Bit of force... threats-"

"What? No way!" yelled James. "And I'm not writing everything you say."

"Alright, alright, don't get your knickers in a knot," said Sirius. "Okay, now start it off with... 'Dear Lily'."

James gave him a 'you've-got-to-be-joking' face, but said nothing as he quickly scribbled the obvious beginning down.

For the next half-hour or so the two friends worked at the letter, many of Sirius' ideas being rejected - one mainly involving the kidnapping of her cat - and James still having trouble with comparing her beauty with appropriate objects. Remus and Peter watched from afar, the latter confused at what they were up to, while the other inwardly chuckled at them. It was a quarter past eight when they finally finished, both showing great pride in their work. James especially felt giddy that he had finally made a decent love letter, and was quite grateful that Sirius had been there to help.

James had wanted to send it to Lily that night, but Sirius suggested in the morning; he didn't want to have to wait an entire night to see her most likely positive reaction. James was a bit reluctant, but Sirius finally persuaded him into waiting. After a while, James figured he didn't mind - if it be today or tomorrow, no matter, Lily was still going to love it.

-:-

James awoke early the next morning, feeling a little excited at the fact that there was a great chance that it might be the day he finally wins Lily's heart. Pushing his glasses on, he turned onto his side, and stared at his side-table, panic pulsing through him when he saw that the letter was no longer there. Bolting upright in his bed, he began to frantically look around the dorm, praying he could find it. Still no sign of it after a couple of minutes, James pulled the covers off of himself and walked over to Sirius' bed, growing more and more worried.

He was about to pull back Sirius' curtain, when his eye caught sight of his friend's side-table - an envelope laid beside his lamp, the words 'Lily' written in the middle of it with surprisingly neat cursive; Sirius must have placed the letter in it while he was sleeping. How thoughtful... and oddly suspicious. Glancing at the closed curtains, James reached for the envelope and was about to rip it open, when the curtains were pulled back and he dropped the letter with a start.

"Prongs...?" Sirius yawned, rubbing his eyes. "What're you doing?"

"Wondering why you did this," said James, reaching down, and holding up the envelope. He narrowed his eyes. "A little strange, don't you think?"

"What? Can't a guy do a favor for a friend without it being 'strange'?"

"Yeah, I guess, but-"

"Great." Sirius jumped off his bed, and stretched. "Now let's get that ready so it can be delivered with the other owls at breakfast, which starts in," he checked the clock, "twenty minutes."

All cautious thoughts seemed to leave James' mind at his words - twenty minutes until the sweet Goddess that was Lily Evans would read his letter, and realize his true feelings, which would most likely result in her returning them. Today was going to be a great day.

-:-

Lily walked into the Great Hall, and began to make her way towards her friends. Disappointed that she had to walk past James to reach them, she was slightly shocked that he hadn't moved over like usual and offered her the seat next to him, giving her that handso- annoying wink he always gave her. However, him and Sirius seemed to be watching her out of the corner of their eyes instead, making her knit her eyebrows together, feeling a tad nervous.

'Hmm, they must be up to something,' she thought to herself, wishing not to be involved, though in the pit of her stomach she knew she probably was.

"Morning, Lils," Mary MacDonald greeted as Lily took her usual seat next to her.

"Morning," said Lily, stifling a yawn, not even bothering to tell her how much she hated the nickname 'Lils' - her protest always seemed to fall on deaf ears.

"James didn't offer you a seat today. Is he feeling well?" said Mary, never seeming to not notice something.

Lily looked over at the Marauders, paying close attention to how the hazel-eyed one of the four seemed to be watching the high windows, tapping his fingers on the table impatiently. She turned back to Mary with a shrug. "Whatever's wrong with Potter, I'm glad; it's quite tiresome when he does that every time I walk in. Maybe it's a sign that today is going to be a great day." She smiled at the seemingly impossible thought.

They began to eat their breakfast peacefully, Mary going on about something uninteresting, and Lily only half listening to her friend's words - something about how she thought the Head boy was kind of cute. Whatever; pointless gossip, really.

"The post is here!" James randomly screamed with joy as the owls began to swoop in, throwing his arms in the air, and earning himself a few freaked-out stares from people close-by, including Lily.

'Yeah, he's _definitely_ not feeling well,' Lily concluded, just as a tiny barn owl landed in front of her, which she quickly recognized as one of the schools'. She absentmindedly pulled the envelope from it's beak, and the owl took off with a soft hoot. Turning away from James, she began to stare at the mysterious envelope, slightly curious to whom was writing to her, the most obvious of people never crossing her mind.

Tearing it open, she pulled out the parchment, Mary looking over her shoulder as she unfolded it.

"Guess you were wrong about it being a 'great day'," she giggled, catching the name at the end before Lily did. Lily moved her eyes to the bottom of the letter, a groan escaping her lips as she read the messy signature that said 'James'; it was yet another 'brilliant' idea to get her to go out with him, no doubt - no wonder he was so happy about the post. Not as bad as the 'night-of-everlasting-Spanish-love-songs' fiasco, but it was still pretty bad.

Going against the idea of looking over at them again, she returned her emerald-eyes to the top of the page, and began to reluctantly read:

_Dear Lily,_

_**Oi! Date me! **_

_Now your probably wondering why I'm writing you this letter, and it's because __**I want you, and **__I think you're really great, pretty and talented.__**.. you have a nice body to. **__Everytime I see your lovly green eyes, I feel like __**touching you tenderly, and **__I'm staring into a perfect green medow, __**with harps playing and all that jazz**__. I believe you to be the most beautiful creature to walk the planet, __in my opinion, __**though Anita Barns chaser for the bluetail foxes is in a tie with you for that spot, as well as the thousands of veelas, but**__ heres why __**you are so darn precous to me**,_

_1. Your hair is as red as a fresh picked rose__**, and reminds me of the flaming depth of hell... which sort of goes with your nasty temper, which I really think you should work on, by the way**. _

_2. Your skin is as delicate as snow and as soft as the breez.__**.. which I only know feels soft because I 'accedentaly' brush up against you all the time, and then need to go run and tell my friends everytime it happens who really don't care. **_

_3. Your laugh is like wind chimes.__**.. maybe you should do that more often because the screaming you do all the time isn't all that attractive.**_

_4. Each one of your freckles is like a dot of utter beauty__**, and you have hundreds of them so I guess your just loaded with that. It's back-up for when you get old, right?**_

_Oh, the list goes on and on, but I need to stop now or I will never stop. __**(Sexual inuendo much.) **__You just need to know that I really care about you, __**to the point where it's kind of stalkerish and my friends are a little worried about me psycologecaly,**__ and I think I might be in love with you... No, I don't think, I do! Yes, that's right Lily Evans, I love you! __**(Which is bloody obvious!) **__So I don't feel ashamed when I end this with,_

_Love,_

_James__**, your soon-to-be sex God.**_

_P.S. Please go to Hogsmeade with me next weekend? _

_**Another P.S. Date me... or else!**_

_**P.P.S... or is it P.S.S.? Doesn't matter. Just need to tell you that your friend Macdonald is pretty fancable, and I think my good-looking, wish-I-was-him friend Sirius would very much enjoy going on a date with her. So if you could arrange that, that would be smashing. **_

Lily gapped at the paper, her face heating up. She had stopped a few times, fuming or heaving at certain areas, and was finally able to finish it. She wasn't quite sure what to feel at this point - sorrow, lost, curious, mad- yes, that was it! She felt mad. Mad as hell! Did James actually believe this was suitable to send to her? It was rude and hurtful, and he thought she would like it? Sure, there were some okay sections that didn't leave her wanting to punch him until he was black and blue and then some, but it was sloppy, so careless; it was as almost if two separate people played a part in writing it, but they both had such dreadful handwriting and didn't seem to know how to grasp the English language correctly that it was hard to tell them apart.

'There's only one other person who would agree to help James write something like this,' Lily thought, flashes of a very much dead Sirius Black running through her mind. But what sections did James write? The somewhat decent parts, or the mean ones? It's obvious Sirius was all for the mean ones, but James couldn't possibly think to compare her eyes to a 'perfect green meadow' - 'grass' would probably be more suitable for him, even something as graceless as 'lettuce'. Did they play a little in writing both? It didn't matter; she was just going to blame James. Besides, it was his name on the letter - how did she know that he didn't write all of it? Her body shook with silent anger at the thought.

"So what does it say?" Mary asked, not bothering to read it herself - nosy as she was, she never went through her friend's things without asking... except to maybe steal a top or two, that is.

Lily ignored her, and instead stood up. With the letter gripped firmly at her side, she marched down the row of tables, scowling as she walked. The students she walked by looked on with excitement, knowing there was only one person who could make her that angry.

-:-

"Tell me what's happening," said James, who had his hands covering his face, too afraid to look at Lily; Gryffindor or not, there was something about her that made him tremble.

"Okay, she's reading it," Peter, who was sitting right beside him, explained. "I think she's almost done, actually."

"What does she look like?"

"Um... mad."

"Mad?" he mimicked, puzzled; that was the last reaction he was expecting.

"Yeah... and her face is getting _really _red... and she's shaking... and... and she's coming this way."

"What?"

James looked up just in time to see a beat-red Lily stomp up to him, fury etched on her flawless features. He looked up at her, smiling weakly; no, he wasn't expecting this at all; more so the complete opposite, with tears of joy, and hours of blissful snogging. And he certainly wasn't expecting Lily to lift the letter up, and tear it perfectly down the middle. James watched with aghast as she ripped it again and again, until it was a pile of what looked like tiny confetti, which she threw in the air like so. No, this was not his expectations one bit.

"Lils... why... no..." He struggled for words, stunned.

Lily jabbed a finger at him, her other hand holding her waist. "First of all, never call me that - I hate that name! Secondly, do you think I would like that? Do you think I would be _impressed_? Sorry, Potter, but I do not approve of my hair being compared to the flaming depths of Hell! Finally, I will _not _go to Hogsmeade with you, EVER!"

Sirius began to whistle at this point, looking everywhere but at James or Lily. Peter was rigid - having Lily Evans screaming right behind you wasn't the most pleasant of things, especially so early. James stood up at this point, staring at the hot-headed girl with confusion.

"What are you talking about? I never-"

"Telling me to date you, or else? Or else what?" yelled Lily, her blood boiling. Half of the Great Hall had stopped to watch by now, some wondering what James had done to upset Lily this time, others waiting on the edge of their seats to see what was going to happen next.

"But I didn't..." His voice faltered, and he snapped his head in Sirius' direction, his teeth gritted as he growled, "_You_... I knew it!"

Everyone's eyes turned towards Sirius, who was now looking up at James innocently. He said his defense in a rush. "I'm sorry, Prongs, but I was re-reading it last night after you went to sleep, and it just sounded so... plain - I just didn't think Evans would go for it. I mean, you wanted my help, so I helped a little more, and sort of... tweaked it a tiny bit with my own twist. Guess she didn't go for that either, but then again, what does she go for? Seriously, Prongs, maybe you should just move on to other girls like you said last night - if _my _charm doesn't work on her, it's obvious your's never will. It's like trying to nail pudding to a tree, winning her over that is. Stubborn as a mule."

"You're a git!" Lily barked at him, which Sirius smugly replied to by sticking up a crude finger. Lily gasped in response.

"Five points from Gryffindor, Padfoot," Remus grumbled in a bored manner. Sirius gave him that 'are-you-crazy' look that he always gave him whenever Remus took away points from him, James or, to a lesser extent, Peter - they were in the same house after all, not to mention friends. Oh, the betrayal.

"I can't believe you!" James screamed, shaking with anger. "You ruined it...! Why?"

"You wanted my help, and that's what you got," Sirius retorted, folding his arms over his chest. "It's not my fault it wasn't good enough for Evans. Besides, I just added all the things I told you to include in the first place." James gave him a pained expression, and Sirius added, as if reading his mind, "Don't worry, I left the part out about us kidnapping her cat if she didn't go to Hogsmeade with you."

"What?" Lily squealed.

"Oh, which reminds me, about that date with MacDonald..."

"What? No!" Mary, who was one of the many onlookers, cried from down the table.

James began to speak again, his voice cracking in places. "I wanted your help, yeah, but... you were just suppose to... you wrote... you didn't even ask...!" He let out a weird noise, which sounded like a cross between a growl and a moan. "This was suppose to be a great day! Lily was suppose to read my letter, be left breathless by my love for her, and then she would finally agree to be my girlfriend, followed by agreeing to get married later down the road and having hundreds of little green and hazel-eyed babies-"

"Excuse me?" Lily cried. James bit his tongue, and sheepishly looked at the red-head; he really didn't intend to go that far, but he sort of got caught-up in the moment - he tended to do that a lot. "If you think I would be _that_ - let alone at all - flattered by a letter _you _wrote, then you have been falsely informed! I don't, and never will, love you, like you, or will even be slightly interested in you, _Potter_, let alone think about you and I having... babies!" She inwardly gagged at the thought. "Oh, and by the way... you both are crummy at spelling and lack proper grammar skills!" With a flick of her fiery hair, she briskly turned around and stalked away, leaving an open-mouthed James in her wake.

"Told you she was stubborn, mate," Sirius sighed, suddenly appearing behind James, and slinging a brotherly arm around his shoulder. James turned to him, and one look at his face made Sirius drop his arm and turn his attention towards Peter. "Say Wormtail, want to play a game of Wizards' Chess?" Peter, who still had yet to relax, fidgeted in his chair and nodded a little. "Wicked! I'll go get it."

"Oh, you're going somewhere alright," said James, his voice dangerously calm, turning around to fully face Sirius; his face looked just as content, with a hint of complete insanity - frightening, to say the least. "I always felt the Giant Squid needed a bit of company..."

Sirius lifted his hands in defense, and let out a nervous chuckle. He began to slowly back away, James advancing on him at the same pace. "Prongs, you don't mean... come on, you know I was just trying to... look, Evans is taking off her shirt!" Swiftly turning around, Sirius dashed for the exit of the Great Hall, a raged James following at his heels. The students watched with mild interest, many wondering what they were up to now, those who had heard laughing aloud. Peter mumbled, "Can someone please inform me on what just happened?" Remus shook his head, and said, "I told Sirius not to bother him." Lily rolled her eyes, and grumbled, "Prats...," but it wasn't enough to stop the corners of her mouth to slightly turn upward.

Despite the rude tidbits Sirius had added, the in between bits of the letter were kind of - as much as she hated to admit it - nice. Nothing that would 'leave her breathless', but nice none-the-less. It was James, though, that had written those sweet things, and she had already convinced herself that she would never, in a million years, even if he be the last boy on Earth, date him. Still... after reading his section of the poor and corny, yet still cute - his part, anyway - letter, the thought of them with hundreds of little green and hazel-eyed babies seemed... slightly less unappealing. (Not that she would ever tell anyone that, though!)

But in the end, he was still James Potter, and he was still a git. A git who didn't know how to spell 'lovely' correct. A git who just so happened to write the most terrible, horrible, worst, most wonderful piece of rubbish Lily Evans ever had the misfortune to read. And if it wasn't for his git-of-a-friend Sirius Black, he may never have succeeded in doing just that. He may not have won her heart, no, but for the first time in his life, James had impressed Lily... sort of.

Still, if he ever thought about doing something like that again, the Giant Squid just might have two companions to keep it company. Then again, it could have been worse: he could have sent her a howler. But she would just keep her mouth shut about that one; no need to give him anymore wild ideas. Especially if it involved sombreros, guitars, and out-of-tune singing.

-:-

**A/N: **I know I should be updating my other stories, but I just couldn't help it! This has been stuck in my head for so long, and I just needed to get it out. For once, I'm actually pleased, but I'm not sure if I got the characters right... I tried, though. I really did. The only character I really struggled with - and I know I didn't do well - was James, but cut me some slack, please? Never really wrote this era before - usually stick with the Trio's era, because it's easier for me to write the characters and create plots - but despite this, I am a major _James/Lily_ shipper, and I wanted to write my own story based around them - only a one-shot, though, never a chapter fic. So please, review and tell me what you think. Did I do an okay job for a Marauder-centric story? Or should I forever stay away from them, and I suck at life? All comments are welcome, even flames - I wuv them all. :)


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